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An Apology Note to My Body

Updated: Feb 23

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to experience Reiki for the first time. Drawing from Eastern tradition, a trained intuitive practitioner placed their hands on different parts of my body where she sensed a blockage or tightness. I can’t explain how she knew where to go or what exactly transpired during that hour, but I became quite emotional during the session. It was clear that some energy in my body was being healed and released. I wrote this journal entry immediately following that experience.

 

Thank you, body, for working so hard for so many years to keep me safe.


You were doing the job you thought you needed to do. You learned early on that it wasn’t going to be OK to let your guard down and be at peace. You worked overtime to push back, rail against, resist, revolt. It was the only way you knew how to get my attention.


You were begging me to trust you. You were trying to tell me I was fine just the way I was; in fact, I was perfectly perfect as is. I didn’t believe you.


Even worse, I hated you for it.


I tried to control, force, deprive, shrink, beat you into submission.


I felt desperate to change you because I didn’t see your wisdom.


I didn’t trust your knowing.


I thought you were the problem. I thought you were the enemy. I blamed you for not falling in line, for not being obedient, for not being what others had told me you should be in order to be of value in this world.


And you kept showing up even when I wasn’t kind to you.


You could get strong and move – on a court, on a field, on a dancefloor. You could build endurance and persistence and resilience to run even when the request was an unreasonable 26.2 miles. You could create and grow, carry and deliver, cuddle and nourish two new beautiful, healthy lives. I still didn’t trust or believe that you had my best interest at heart. I took all of that for granted, as though you owed me something in return for my long-standing suffering.


I imagine you rolling your eyes through every diet, every "it's a lifestyle change," every "this time will be different."


SMH and sighing. Here we go again.


A loyal companion, you kept showing up, trying to prove to me that you weren’t going anywhere and I still didn’t believe you. I felt betrayed by you when, in reality, I was the one betraying you. You were trying to tell me all along that it wasn’t true. That what I believed about the world wasn't true. Maybe I just couldn't hear you because there was so much other noise.


I didn’t get it. I do now. I’m here now.


I’m releasing the old way of being in relationship with you and I promise that instead of controlling, forcing, and hating, I’m going to start listening, honoring, and loving you more. I’m going to accept and embrace and appreciate that you are perfect just the way you are.


I may not be so good at it right away. It’s going to be a steep learning curve. I have to unlearn and then relearn a whole lot of stuff, generations of stuff in fact, but I already know you’re patient and will graciously wait a little bit longer for me to get it.


I’m truly sorry I can’t go back and do things differently, but, if you're able to forgive me, I am committed to spending as much time as I need to repair the rupture in our relationship.


Will you be mine?


Today I asked my body what she needed, Which is a big deal Considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much.  I thought she might need more water. Or protein. Or greens. Or yoga. Or supplements. Or movement.  But as I stood in the shower Reflecting on her stretch marks, Her roundness where I would like flatness, Her softness where I would like firmness, All those conditioned wishes That form a bundle of Never-Quite-Right-Ness, She whispered very gently:  Could you just love me like this?  {Hollie Holden, June 2016}

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